It’s Going to Be Ok I Promise

It all started when I got pregnant in 2012.

I already had a child; a two year old boy with special needs. He couldn’t walk, talk, or do really anything on his own. At this point we were still grieving the news about having a child with special needs and overwhelmed trying to figure out the best ways to support him. He never wanted to be put down and it was impossible to get chores done with him. We loved him. He would often smile, but it was difficult and taxing to take care of him and accomplish household chores day to day.

So when I became pregnant in 2012, unintentionally, it was a big shock. Honestly, it was a very unwelcome surprise. I felt shock and disbelief. A few weeks after confirming my pregnancy I started to bleed lightly. I’m ashamed to say it, but I prayed for a miscarriage… It didn’t happen. I was still pregnant, I even started getting the ever wonderful morning sickness. Later. at church (of all places) before anyone even knew I was pregnant, I remembered thinking: “If I had an abortion, all this could go away. No more stress of having a new kid when I already struggle with the current one. No more morning sickness. And no one would ever know.” Abortion to me seemed like the magic cure. However, due to my religious beliefs, and my knowledge of the humanity of the unborn, I knew that I couldn’t go through with it. My experience, however, allows me to empathize with those who see the “option” of abortion as appealing . Here I was, married, religious, a mother already, and the idea of abortion still appealed to me. How much more appealing must it be for someone who isn't religious, a mother, and married?

The pregnancy continued, and it was a very rough. We had saved money to do some renovations around the house. While it was finished before my due date, my house was in ruins through my entire pregnancy. My mother, who had battled with cancer in the past, discovered that her cancer had spread to her bones and basically her whole body. I struggled with my own health issues during this pregnancy as well. I even had to get induced with my daughter and had her earlier than expected.

I vividly remember being in labour with my unborn child at the hospital and still not wanting it to be true: we were going to have another baby and I had to endure labour to make it happen. I remember in the middle of contractions saying “ I don’t wanna do it...I don’t wanna do it…” But birth her I did. And she was so beautiful! The person who I thought had been the source of so much fear and dread was right there in my arms and I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. Was this little thing so scary after all?

My mom passed away 12 days after my daughter was born. Luckily, they still got to meet. Although I was very saddened of my mom’s passing, my new daughter ended up being a lovely distraction. It has upset me a lot from time to time that my daughter won’t remember her grandma, she was just too young. But at the time, I think she was just what I needed to get my mind off the sadness.

My daughter turned out to be a breastfeeding champ—unlike her older brother. She is completely neurotypical and healthy—again, unlike her older brother. Throughout this whole experience, I realized that all the morning sickness, all the discomfort, all the craziness that was going on around me-- that I would do it all again. I would go through it all again if I had to for this amazing, conscientious, beautiful daughter of mine. I thought that getting pregnant again when I already had so much responsibility would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, but it turned out to be one of the greatest! It was totally worth it. I could never have imaged or expected the joy that I’ve experienced since having my daughter. I truly had no idea what I would be missing if we'd never had her or if, in a moment of weakness, I'd chosen abortion. I can’t imagine life without her. She’s even helps us with her brother! She will let us know if he’s doing something he shouldn’t and can lend an extra hand. She even likes helping him walk around the house to help him improve his balance.

I wanted to share my experience with others out there who may, like me, feel like being pregnant would be the worst possible thing. I bet that it would actually be one of the best things. We have no idea what God has in store for us and we often have trouble looking past our fears. We forget that life is a gift and new life is always good. God works through our fears, sadness, brokenness and creates our biggest blessings. Even ones we never would have imagined.