I Am a Mother

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34:5

“You’re a mother.” Why didn’t I know that as I signed the consent forms for the doctor to abort my child? I had to reason I was merely carrying a “cluster of cells” in order to go ahead with it.

Am I murdering my child? I would wonder.

A close friend tried to assure me “It sounds like you’ve thought about it and you’re doing what’s best for you and the child, and at this point it’s a just a cluster of cells…” she was, herself, pregnant at the time. Why did people just affirm that I was making the best decision? I was absolutely not; I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

After the abortion, I did not understand why my world was unravelling. I did not understand that it was related to my abortion because of the prevailing worldview that glosses over the reality that abortion is traumatic, and has lasting psychological and spiritual ramifications. Instead, I spent a lot of time trying to fix problems that didn’t exist because I was not clear on the root cause of my pain.

In a sea of distorted half truths, sometimes things are not as obvious until they are explicitly stated, or until God comes to give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you, removing your heart of stone and giving you a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), and then you wonder how you ever thought otherwise. And that’s what Jesus did; my hardened heart so desperately needed the grace and love of Jesus Christ.

“You’re a mother.” The words finally came when I was coming out of a six-year period of empty darkness and denial, when I was starting to recognize the reality of what I’d done, after becoming born-again in the fall of 2021. When I digested these words, they helped mend a gaping wound within me that I hadn’t realized was there. That reality of motherhood brought focus to my otherwise blurred life. I had had life growing in me, and the pain and suffering I was in made sense because it was a loss, a significant loss, that I was responsible for.

This role, motherhood, defined who I was in relation to my daughter, and her to me. And even though my daughter is no longer with me here on earth, I am her mother and I always will be. And the Lord has since given me great peace and assurance that she is with Him now, and I will see her again some day. I thank God for that.

In 2020 I had a dream, but it was one of those dreams that feel much different than a dream. I wouldn’t understand until two years later that this was my child, and when I explain the dream, you’ll wonder how I didn’t connect the dots. Perhaps it shows how far removed I was from this experience, or perhaps it was simply the Lord and his proper timing.

I dreamt I had a daughter; I was going to meet her in the park with my parents who had been looking after her. As I approached the park she saw me, she was holding my parents’ hands, one on either side of her. She was so happy and I was so full of love for her. The minute she locked eyes with me her face lit up. She yelled “Mommy!” and ran towards me. I had the biggest smile on my face and I opened my arms wide as she ran right into them. I picked her up, swirled her around and squeezed her tight with all my love. My parents caught up to us and I could tell that by my daughter’s love they were being healed too and that she was such a gift.

I woke up from this dream deeply moved. The experience was so real; I had never felt so much love for someone. At the time I reasoned, from all the inner healing work I’d been doing, that maybe this was my inner child, or my future child. I didn’t yet know the Lord, either. Then, in 2022 while working through my own abortion grief, the Lord revealed the true meaning of the dream. I knew without a doubt this was my precious baby girl, that I had had a daughter. Shortly after that the Lord revealed her name to me: Abigale Winter Rose.

It also wasn’t until six years too late that I finally saw Abigale in the ultrasound photo, after calling to get my records from the clinic. I should have seen that image on March 30, 2016. Maybe I would have chosen life. I look back and wonder, had that been something the clinic offered, would I have even looked? Knowing how confused and overwhelmed I was back then, and how hard my heart truly was, I’m sadly not sure. I do believe this is something that should be required, for the mother to see her child, – how else can we give informed consent if we don’t really understand the reality, and gravity, of what we’re about to do?

Right before the ultrasound photo, in my records, is a form the doctor fills out. The box “fetal heart beat” was checked off by the doctor, moments before the abortion. The one thing we look for in an unconscious person as a sign of life. That box was checked off. My baby had a heartbeat. Not only was I a mother, but my baby had a heartbeat. I had no idea. A cluster of cells does not have a heart beat. Life has a heart-beat. And please don’t hear what I’m not saying - life begins at conception, even before a heartbeat. I was a mother from the moment of conception.

I cannot bring my child back, or undo what was done, but I can, and did, repent and receive the forgiveness of our gracious heavenly Father. And gratefully, I am assured by God that He works everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes for them (Romans 8:28). I pray that my story prevents other women from experiencing the same grief and suffering and, of course, saves the life of their pre-born child, too.

If you are pregnant and feeling unsure of what to do, I pray my story can help you choose life. To look beyond your present circumstances and trust that good can, and will, come when we choose life. Post-abortion relief inevitably fades and you’re left with the gnawing realization of what you’ve done and who isn’t here because of that choice. You will NEVER regret choosing life. But I promise you, you will absolutely regret ending the life of your child, no matter the circumstances.

To those who have had abortions and are hurting: I pray for you, you who are stuck in grief and need healing. Know you are not too far from God. You can always turn to Him. God says in 1 John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, the Lord is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. God is waiting with open arms to welcome you home much like I was in my dream; waiting with open arms as my daughter ran toward me. Run towards your heavenly Father, He longs to pick you up in His arms, to heal you and breath new life into you. He knew you before you were born and He knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139) and He loves you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).

Dedicated to Abigale Winter Rose Jan 31, 2016 - March 30, 2016